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{November 13, 2009}   The Ultimate Chuck Norris Fact Collection

 

  • There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
  • Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
  • The chief export of Chuck Norris is Pain.
  • There is no chin under Chuck Norris’ Beard. There is only another fist.
  • Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill.
  • The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer.
  • Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
  • Chuck Norris is my Homeboy.
  • Chuck Norris doesn’t go hunting…. CHUCK NORRIS GOES KILLING.
  • Chuck Norris uses pepper spray to spice up his steaks. (New!)
  • Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
  • Crop circles are Chuck Norris’ way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.
  • Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.
  • The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.
  • Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.
  • Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72… and they’re all poisonous.
  • If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, “Two seconds ’til.” After you ask, “Two seconds ’til what?” he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
  • Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
  • When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.
  • The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’ fist.
  • Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken’s famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.
  • CNN was originally created as the “Chuck Norris Network” to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time.
  • Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
  • There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
  • Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
  • What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris’ victims before they died? His shoe.
  • Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
  • Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11…. a suicide.
  • Chuck Norris doesn’t churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.
  • Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them.
  • A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
  • Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.
  • Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting pissed off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Massacre.
  • If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
  • Chuck Norris originally appeared in the “Street Fighter II” video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this “glitch,” Norris replied, “That’s no glitch.”
  • Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will roundhouse you in the face.
  • The opening scene of the movie “Saving Private Ryan” is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.
  • Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”
  • Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth’s atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.
  • Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.
  • Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren’t the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
  • Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
  • Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.
  • Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse… horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
  • Faster than a speeding bullet … more powerful than a locomotive … able to leap tall buildings in a single bound… yes, these are some of Chuck Norris’s warm-up exercises.
  • Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle — you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.
  • In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Chuck Norris turned that wine into beer.
  • Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell “What The Hell was That?”
  • Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
  • Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.
  • Chuck Norris doesn’t shower, he only takes blood baths.
  • The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.
  • In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
  • According to the Encyclopedia Brittanica, the Native American “Trail of Tears” has been redefined as anywhere that Chuck Norris walks.
  • Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the American Revolution who entered space after the Chuck gave them a roundhouse kick to the face.
  • When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
  • There are no steroids in baseball. Just players Chuck Norris has breathed on.
  • Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a “Who has more testicles?” contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.
  • Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck’s gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.
  • Chuck Norris sheds his skin twice a year.
  • Guns don’t kill people. Chuck Norris kills People. 

 

  • There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
  • Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
  • The chief export of Chuck Norris is Pain.
  • There is no chin under Chuck Norris’ Beard. There is only another fist.
  • Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill.
  • The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer.
  • Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
  • Chuck Norris is my Homeboy.
  • Chuck Norris doesn’t go hunting…. CHUCK NORRIS GOES KILLING.
  • Chuck Norris uses pepper spray to spice up his steaks. (New!)
  • Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
  • Crop circles are Chuck Norris’ way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.
  • Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.
  • The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.
  • Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.
  • Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72… and they’re all poisonous.
  • If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, “Two seconds ’til.” After you ask, “Two seconds ’til what?” he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
  • Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
  • When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.
  • The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’ fist.
  • Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken’s famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.
  • CNN was originally created as the “Chuck Norris Network” to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time.
  • Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
  • There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
  • Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
  • What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris’ victims before they died? His shoe.
  • Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
  • Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11…. a suicide.
  • Chuck Norris doesn’t churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.
  • Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them.
  • A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
  • Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.
  • Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting pissed off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Massacre.
  • If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
  • Chuck Norris originally appeared in the “Street Fighter II” video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this “glitch,” Norris replied, “That’s no glitch.”
  • Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will roundhouse you in the face.
  • The opening scene of the movie “Saving Private Ryan” is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.
  • Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”
  • Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth’s atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.
  • Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.
  • Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren’t the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
  • Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
  • Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.
  • Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse… horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
  • Faster than a speeding bullet … more powerful than a locomotive … able to leap tall buildings in a single bound… yes, these are some of Chuck Norris’s warm-up exercises.
  • Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle — you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.
  • In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Chuck Norris turned that wine into beer.
  • Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell “What The Hell was That?”
  • Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
  • Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.
  • Chuck Norris doesn’t shower, he only takes blood baths.
  • The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.
  • In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
  • According to the Encyclopedia Brittanica, the Native American “Trail of Tears” has been redefined as anywhere that Chuck Norris walks.
  • Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the American Revolution who entered space after the Chuck gave them a roundhouse kick to the face.
  • When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
  • There are no steroids in baseball. Just players Chuck Norris has breathed on.
  • Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a “Who has more testicles?” contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.
  • Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck’s gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.
  • Chuck Norris sheds his skin twice a year.
  • Chuck Norris is responsible for China’s over-population. He hosted a Karate tournament in Beijing and all women within 1,000 miles became pregnant instantly.
     
  • Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
     
  • Chuck Norris once worked as a weatherman for the San Diego evening news. Every night he would make the same forecast: Partly cloudy with a 75% chance of Pain.
     
  • Simply by pulling on both ends, Chuck Norris can stretch diamonds back into coal.
     
  • When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.
     
  • Chuck Norris invented the bolt-action rifle, liquor, sexual intercourse, and football– in that order.
     
  • A high tide means Chuck Norris is flying over your coast. The tide is caused by God pissing his pants.
     
  • Chuck Norris keeps his friends close and his enemies closer. Close enough to drop them with one round house kick to the face.
     
  • There is in fact an “I” in Norris, but there is no “team”… not even close.
     
  • Scotty in Star Trek often says “Ye cannae change the laws of physics.” This is untrue. Chuck Norris can change the laws of physics. With his fists.
     
  • Chuck Norris doesn’t stub his toes. He accidentally destroys chairs, bedframes, and sidewalks.
     
  • Using his trademark roundhouse kick, Chuck Norris once made a fieldgoal in RJ Stadium in Tampa Bay from the 50 yard line of Qualcomm stadium in San Diego.
     
  • Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks don’t really kill people. They wipe out their entire existence from the space-time continuum.
     
  • Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.
     
  • Tom Clancy has to pay royalties to Chuck Norris because “The Sum of All Fears” is the name of Chuck Norris’ autobiography.
     
  • Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
     
  • Chuck Norris is expected to win gold in every swimming competition at the 2008 Beijing Olympics, even though Chuck Norris does not swim. This is because when Chuck Norris enters the water, the water gets out of his way and Chuck Norris simply walks across the pool floor.
     
  • Chuck Norris built a better mousetrap, but the world was too frightened to beat a path to his door.
     
  • The original draft of The Lord of the Rings featured Chuck Norris instead of Frodo Baggins. It was only 5 pages long, as Chuck roundhouse-kicked Sauron’s ass halfway through the first chapter.
     
  • Hellen Keller’s favorite color is Chuck Norris.
     
  • Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the “Circle of Life.”
     
  • If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Chuck Norris would ever fight himself, he’d win. Period.
     
  • Chuck Norris is currently suing myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.
     
  • The crossing lights in Chuck Norris’s home town say “Die slowly” and “die quickly”. They each have a picture of Chuck Norris punching or kicking a pedestrian.
     
  • Science Fact: Roundhouse kicks are comprised primarily of an element called Chucktanium.
     
  • The Sherman tank was originaly called the Norris tank until Chuck Norris decided it wasn’t tough enough to be associated with him. The Army, for fear of Chuck Norris, renamed the tank and promised to develop a weapon more fitting of his name. To date, no weapon created has been badass enough to be named after Chuck Norris.
     
  • Chuck Norris proved that we are alone in the universe. We weren’t before his first space expedition.
     
  • Superman once watched an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger. He then cried himself to sleep.
     
  • Chuck Norris doesn’t step on toes. Chuck Norris steps on necks.
     
  • The movie “Delta Force” was extremely hard to make because Chuck had to downplay his abilities. The first few cuts were completely unbelievable.
     
  • Movie trivia: The movie “Invasion U.S.A.” is, in fact, a documentary.
     
  • Chuck Norris does not “style” his hair. It lays perfectly in place out of sheer terror.
     
  • There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.
     
  • A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart disease, 2. Chuck Norris, 3. Cancer
     
  • It’s widely believed that Jesus was Chuck Norris’ stunt double for crucifixion due to the fact that it is impossible for nails to pierce Chuck Norris’ skin.
     
  • Chuck Norris did in fact, build Rome in a day.
     
  • Along with his black belt, Chuck Norris often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.
     
  • Anytime someone is elected president in the United States, they must ask permission from Chuck Norris to live in the White House. The reason for this is because Chuck Norris had won every Federal, State, and Local election since 1777. He just allows others to run the country in his place.
     
  • Once you go Norris, you are physically unable to go back.
     
  • Ninjas want to grow up to be just like Chuck Norris. But usually they grow up just to be killed by Chuck Norris.
     
  • Chuck Norris once sued Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr, insisting that that actually is “his” way.
     
  • The last thing you hear before Chuck Norris gives you a roundhouse kick? No one knows because dead men tell no tales.
     
  • Chuck Norris doesn’t play god. Playing is for children.
     
  • Chuck Norris is the only person in the world that can actually email a roundhouse kick.
     
  • Chuck Norris won super bowls VII and VIII singlehandedly before unexpectedly retiring to pursue a career in ass-kicking.
     
  • Wo hu cang long. The translation from Mandarin Chinese reads: “Crouching Chuck, Hidden Norris”
     
  • Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
     
  • Some kids play Kick the can. Chuck Norris played Kick the keg.
     
  • ‘Icy-Hot’ is too weak for Chuck Norris. After a workout, Chuck Norris rubs his muscles down with liquid-hot MAGMA.
     
  • Chuck Norris cannot love, he can only not kill.
     
  • When Chuck Norris was a baby, he didn’t suck his mother’s breast. His mother served him whiskey, straight out of the bottle.
     
  • According to Einstein’s theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.
     
  • Chuck Norris once pulled out a single hair from his beard and skewered three men through the heart with it.
     
  • In an act of great philanthropy, Chuck made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.
     
  • Chuck Norris’ favourite cut of meat is the roundhouse.
     
  • When J. Robert Oppenheimer said “I am become death, the destroyer Of worlds”, He was not referring to the atomic bomb. He was referring to the Chuck Norris halloween costume he was wearing.
     
  • Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

 

  • Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don’t be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.
     
  • If at first you don’t succeed, you’re not Chuck Norris.
     
  • If Chuck Norris were a calendar, every month would be named Chucktober, and every day he’d kick your ass.
     
  • Fear is not the only emotion Chuck Norris can smell. He can also detect hope, as in “I hope I don’t get a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris.”
     
  • Chuck Norris’s show is called Walker: Texas Ranger, because Chuck Norris doesn’t run.
     
  • MacGyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can roundhouse-kick his head through a wall and take it.
     
  • Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris.
     
  • What’s known as the UFC, or Ultimate Fighting Championship, doesn’t use its full name, which happens to be “Ultimate Fighting Championship, Non-Chuck-Norris-Division”.
     
  • Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with a mixture of iron shavings, industrial paint remover, and wood-grain alcohol.
     
  • The easiest way to determine Chuck Norris’ age is to cut him in half and count the rings.
     
  • There is endless debate about the existence of the human soul. Well it does exist, and Chuck Norris finds it delicious.
     
  • Most boots are made for walkin’. Chuck Norris’ boots ain’t that merciful.
     
  • The US did not boycott the 1980 Summer Olympics in Moscow due to political reasons: Chuck Norris killed the entire US team with a single round-house kick during TaeKwonDo practice.
     
  • Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.
     
  • The Bible was originally titled “Chuck Norris and Friends”
     
  • Chuck Norris began selling the Total Gym as an ill-fated attempt to make his day-to-day opponents less laughably pathetic.
     
  • Do you know why Baskin Robbins only has 31 flavors? Because Chuck Norris doesn’t like Fudge Ripple.
     
  • When Chuck Norris says “More cowbell”, he MEANS it.
     
  • On the set of Walker Texas Ranger Chuck Norris brought a dying lamb back to life by nuzzling it with his beard. As the onlookers gathered, the lamb sprang to life. Chuck Norris then roundhouse kicked it, killing it instantly. This was just to prove that the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
     
  • Chuck Norris was what Willis was talkin’ about.
     
  • Google won’t search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don’t find Chuck Norris, he finds you.
     
  • Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
     
  • Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.
     
  • It is scientifically impossible for Chuck Norris to have had a mortal father. The most popular theory is that he went back in time and fathered himself.
     
  • Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.
     
  • It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That’s true if you want to call Chuck Norris a giant meteor.
     
  • Chuck Norris shot the sheriff, but he round house kicked the deputy.
     
  • That’s not Chuck Norris doing push-ups — that’s Chuck Norris moving the Earth away from the path of a deadly asteroid.
     
  • Chuck Norris can judge a book by its cover.
     
  • Nothing can escape the gravity of a black hole, except for Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris eats black holes. They taste like chicken.
     
  • Chuck Norris does not play the lottery. It doesn’t have nearly enough balls.
     
  • Q: How many Chuck Norris’ does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, Chuck Norris prefers to kill in the dark.
     
  • As President Roosevelt said: “We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Chuck Norris.”
     
  • Chuck Norris just says “no” to drugs. If he said “yes”, it would collapse Colombia’s infrastructure.
     
  • Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse-kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
     
  • Crime does not pay – unless you are an undertaker following Walker, Texas Ranger, on a routine patrol.
     
  • Chuck Norris does not own a house. He walks into random houses and people move.
     
  • It is better to give than to receive. This is especially true of a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
     
  • Chuck Norris is the only person to ever win a staring contest against Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder at the same time.
     
  • Industrial logging isn’t the cause of deforestation. Chuck Norris needs toothpicks.
     
  • Chuck Norris smells what the Rock is cooking… because the Rock is Chuck Norris’ personal chef.
     
  • When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail, his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather, roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
     
  • Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
     
  • “Brokeback Mountain” is not just a movie. It’s also what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard.
     
  • Chuck Norris does not eat. Food understands that the only safe haven from Chuck Norris’ fists is inside his own body.
     
  • Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK’s head exploded out of sheer amazement.
     
  • Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
     
  • Chuck Norris uses a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
     
  • Chuck Norris is not capable of hitting a target on the broad side of a barn. Every time he tries, the whole damn barn falls down.
     
  • Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with fourteen times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.
     
  • When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.
     
  • Chuck Norris kills anyone that asks, “You want fries with that” because by now everyone should know that Chuck doesn’t ever want fries with anything. Ever.
     
  • Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as Giraffes.
     
  • Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Chuck Norris glare will liquefy your kidneys.
     
  • Human cloning is outlawed because if Chuck Norris were cloned, then it would be possible for a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to meet another chuck Norris roundhouse kick. Physicists theorize that this contact would end the universe.
     
  • Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.
  • ·  Chuck Norris’s version of a “chocolate milkshake” is a raw porterhouse wrapped around ten Hershey bars, and doused in diesel fuel.
     
  • ·  If Chuck Norris round-house kicks you, you will die. If Chuck Norris’ misses you with the round-house kick, the wind behind the kick will tear out your pancreas.
     
  • ·  In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Chuck Norris.
     
  • ·  Chuck Norris puts his pants on one leg at a time, just like the rest of us. The only difference is, then he kills people.
     
  • ·  Everybody loves Raymond. Except Chuck Norris.
     
  • ·  Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn’t hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into Chuck Norris while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.
     
  • ·  Chuck Norris got his drivers license at the age of 16. Seconds.
     
  • ·  The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.
     
  • ·  Chuck Norris can win at solitaire with only 18 cards.
     
  • ·  Chuck Norris once shat blood – the blood of 11,940 natives he had killed and eaten.
     
  • ·  Maslow’s theory of higher needs does not apply to Chuck Norris. He only has two needs: killing people and finding people to kill.
     
  • ·  The truth will set you free. Unless Chuck Norris has you, in which case, forget it buddy!
     
  • ·  For most people, home is where the heart is. For Chuck Norris, home is where he stores his collection of human skulls.
     
  • ·  Kryptonite has been found to contain trace elements of Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks to the face. This is why it is so deadly to Superman.
     
  • ·  Saddam Hussein was not found hiding in a “hole.” Saddam was roundhouse-kicked in the head by Chuck Norris in Kansas, which sent him through the earth, stopping just short of the surface of Iraq.
     
  • ·  Coroners refer to dead people as “ABC’s”. Already Been Chucked.
     
  • ·  Chuck Norris doesn’t look both ways before he crosses the street… he just roundhouses any cars that get too close.
     
  • ·  Chuck Norris does not have to answer the phone. His beard picks up the incoming electrical impulses and translates them into audible sound.
     
  • ·  How many roundhouse kicks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop? Just one. From Chuck Norris.
     
  • ·  Chuck Norris doesnt wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.
     
  • ·  The phrase ‘break a leg’ was originally coined by Chuck Norris’s co-stars in Walker, Texas Ranger as a good luck charm, indicating that a broken leg might be the worst extent of their injuries. This never proved to be the case.
     
  • ·  When chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.
     
  • ·  If you rearrange the letters in “Chuck Norris”, they also spell “Crush Rock In”. The words “with his fists” are understood.
     
  • ·  Never look a gift Chuck Norris in the mouth, because he will bite your damn eyes off.
     
  • ·  Give a man a fish, and you will feed him for a day. Give a man anything that is better than a fish, and Chuck Norris will beat his ass and take it.
     
  • ·  Chuck Norris used to play baseball. When Babe Ruth was hailed as the better player, Chuck Norris killed him with a baseball bat to the throat. Lou Gehrig got off easy.
     
  • ·  The original title for Star Wars was “Skywalker: Texas Ranger”. Starring Chuck Norris.
     
  • ·  Guantuanamo Bay, Cuba, is the military code-word for “Chuck Norris’ basement”.
     
  • ·  The phrase ‘balls to the wall’ was originally conceived to describe Chuck Norris entering any building smaller than an aircraft hangar.
     
  • ·  Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.
     
  • ·  Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off of bats. Chuck Norris bites the heads off of Siberian Tigers.
     
  • ·  He who lives by the sword, dies by the sword. He who lives by Chuck Norris, dies by the roundhouse kick.
     
  • ·  The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry. Even the worst-laid plans of Chuck Norris come off without a hitch.
     
  • ·  The phrase ‘dead ringer’ refers to someone who sits behind Chuck Norris in a movie theater and forgets to turn their cell phone off.
     
  • ·  Chuck Norris’ Roundhouse kick is so powerful, that on the set of Sidekicks he single-footedly destroyed Jonathan Brandis’ Career.
     
  • ·  Staring at Chuck Norris for extended periods of time without proper eye protection will cause blindess, and possibly foot sized brusies on the face.
     
  • ·  Chuck Norris can taste lies.
     
  • ·  Chuck Norris does not kick ass and take names. In fact, Chuck Norris kicks ass and assigns the corpse a number. It is currently recorded to be in the billions.
     
  • ·  One time, Chuck Norris accidentally stubbed his toe. It destroyed the entire state of Ohio.
     
  • ·  Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her into a glacier.
     
  • ·  In 1990, Chuck Norris founded the non-profit organization “Kick Drugs Out of America”. If the organization’s name were “Roundhouse Kick Drugs out of America”, there wouldn’t be any drugs in the Western Hemisphere. Anywhere.
     
  • ·  Chuck Norris can blow bubbles with beef jerky.
     
  • ·  They had to edit the first ending of ‘Lone Wolf McQuade’ after Chuck Norris kicked David Carradine’s ass, then proceeded to barbecue and eat him.
     
  • ·  Chuck Norris does, in fact, live in a round house.
     
  • ·  Chuck Norris was once on Jeopardy. This show is notable in that it was the first occasion in Jeopardy history that Alex Trebek had appeared without a mustache. And a head.
     
  • ·  4 out of 5 doctors fail to recommend Chuck Norris as a solution to most problems. Also, 80% of doctors die unexplained, needlessly brutal deaths.
     
  • ·  Chuck Norris can skeletize a cow in two minutes.
     
  • ·  The only sure things are Death and Taxes…and when Chuck Norris goes to work for the IRS, they’ll be the same thing.
     
  • ·  Chuck Norris’ first job was as a paperboy. There were no survivors.
     
  • ·  With the rising cost of gasoline, Chuck Norris is beginning to worry about his drinking habit.
     
  • ·  The square root of Chuck Norris is pain. Do not try to square Chuck Norris, the result is death.
     
  • ·  chuck Norris’ testicles do not produce sperm. They produce tiny white ninjas that recognize only one mission: seek and destroy.
     
  • ·  To be or not to be? That is the question. The answer? Chuck Norris.
     
  • ·  Chuck Norris has never been in a fight, ever. Do you call one roundhouse kick to the face a fight?
     
  • ·  There are two types of people in the world… people that suck, and Chuck Norris.
     
  • ·  Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.
     
  • ·  If you were somehow able to land a punch on Chuck Norris your entire arm would shatter upon impact. This is only in theory, since, come on, who in their right mind would try this?
     
  • ·  70% of a human’s weight is water. 70% of Chuck Norris’ weight is his dick.
     
  • ·  Jean-Claude Van Damme once kicked Chuck Norris’ ass. He was then awakened from his dream by a roundhouse kick to the face.
     
  • ·  The pie scene in “American Pie” is based on a dare Chuck Norris took when he was younger. However, in Chuck Norris’ case, the “pie” was the molten crater of an active volcano.
     
  • ·  Chuck Norris uses 8’x10′ sheets of plywood as toilet paper.
  •  
  • Noah was the only man notified before Chuck Norris relieved himself in the Atlantic Ocean.
     
  • Chuck Norris once invited all of the other badasses from TV to duke it out in order to see who was the supreme badass. Only two showed up– Jack Bauer and MacGyver.
     
  • MacGyver immediately tried to make a bomb out of some Q-Tips and Gatorade, but Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the solar plexus. MacGyver promptly threw up his own heart.
     
  • Jack Bauer tried to use his detailed knowledge of torture techniques, but to no avail: Chuck Norris thrives on pain. Chuck Norris then ripped off Jack Bauer’s arm and beat him to death with it. Game, set, match.
     
  • Chuck Norris eats steak for every single meal. Most times he forgets to kill the cow.
     
  • The First Law of Thermodynamics states that energy can neither be created nor destroyed… unless it meets Chuck Norris.
     
  • Chuck Norris doesn’t go on the internet, he has every internet site stored in his memory. He refreshes webpages by blinking.
     
  • It is said that looking into Chuck Norris’ eyes will reveal your future. Unfortunately, everybody’s future is always the same: death by a roundhouse-kick to the face.
     
  • Chuck Norris knows everything there is to know – Except for the definition of mercy.
     
  • Scientifically speaking, it is impossible to charge Chuck Norris with “obstruction of justice.” This is because even Chuck Norris cannot be in two places at the same time.
     
  • Chuck Norris never has to wax his skis because they’re always slick with blood.
     
  • When you say “no one’s perfect”, Chuck Norris takes this as a personal insult.
     
  • Chuck Norris can win a game of Trivial Pursuit with one roll of the dice, and without answering a single question… just a nod of the head, and a stroke of the beard.
     
  • 182,000 Americans die from Chuck Norris-related accidents every year.
     
  • Paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, but Chuck Norris beats all 3 at the same time.
     
  • All roads lead to Chuck Norris. And by the transitive property, a roundhouse kick to the face.
     
  • If you’re driving down the road and you think Chuck Norris just cut you off, you better thank your lucky stars it wasn’t the other way around.
     
  • July 4th is Independence day. And the day Chuck Norris was born. Coincidence? i think not.
     
  • Chuck Norris never goes to the dentist because his teeth are unbreakable. His enemies never go to the dentist because they have no teeth.
     
  • In the medical community, death is referred to as “Chuck Norris Disease”
     
  • Chuck Norris was once in a knife fight, and the knife lost.
     
  • If you work in an office with Chuck Norris, don’t ask him for his three-hole-punch.
     
  • In the Words of Julius Caesar, “Veni, Vidi, Vici, Chuck Norris”. Translation: I came, I saw, and I was roundhouse-kicked inthe face by Chuck Norris.
     
  • The First rule of Chuck Norris is: you do not talk about Chuck Norris.
     
  • Chuck Norris is widely predicted to be first black president. If you’re thinking to yourself, “But Chuck Norris isn’t black”, then you are dead wrong. And stop being a racist.
     
  • When Chuck Norris plays Monopoly, it affects the actual world economy.
     
  • Chuck Norris can be unlocked on the hardest level of Tekken. But only Chuck Norris is skilled enough to unlock himself. Then he roundhouse kicks the Playstation back to Japan.
     
  • Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.
     
  • Every time someone uses the word “intense”, Chuck Norris always replies “you know what else is intense?” followed by a roundhouse kick to the face.
     
  • As an infant, Chuck Norris’ parents gave him a toy hammer. He gave the world Stonehenge.
     
  • Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.
     
  • Most people fear the Reaper. Chuck Norris considers him “a promising Rookie”.
     
  • There are only two things that can cut diamonds: other diamonds, and Chuck Norris.
     
  • President Roosevelt once rode his horse 100 miles. Chuck Norris carried his the same distance in half the time.
     
  • Chuck Norris once ate four 30lb bowling balls without chewing.
     
  • Chuck Norris was banned from competitive bullriding after a 1992 exhibition in San Antonio, when he rode the bull 1,346 miles from Texas to Milwaukee Wisconsin to pick up his dry cleaning.
     
  • Chuck Norris qualified with a top speed of 324 mph at the Daytona 500, without a car.
     
  • Chuck Norris likes his coffee half and half: half coffee grounds, half wood-grain alcohol.
     
  • Chuck Norris uses tabasco sauce instead of visine.
     
  • The chemical formula for the highly toxic cyanide ion is CN-. These are also Chuck Norris’ initials. This is not a coincidence.
     
  • Chuck Norris’ credit cards have no limit. Last weekend, he maxed them out.
     
  • A man once claimed Chuck Norris kicked his ass twice, but it was promptly dismissed as false – no one could survive it the first time.
     
  • Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
     
  • Chuck Norris owns a chain of fast-food restaurants throughout the southwest. They serve nothing but barbecue-flavored ice cream and Hot Pockets.
     
  • Chuck Norris doesn’t chew gum. Chuck Norris chews tin foil.
     
  • Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Chuck Norris is on.
     
  • When in a bar, you can order a drink called a “Chuck Norris”. It is also known as a “Bloody Mary”, if your name happens to be Mary.
     
  • Every time Chuck Norris smiles, someone dies. Unless he smiles while he’s roundhouse kicking someone in the face. Then two people die.
     
  • Some people ask for a Kleenex when they sneeze, Chuck Norris asks for a body bag.
     
  • There’s an order to the universe: space, time, Chuck Norris…. Just kidding, Chuck Norris is first.
     
  • A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is “Charles”. Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
     
  • Chuck Norris starts everyday with a protein shake made from Carnation Instant Breakfast, one dozen eggs, pure Colombian cocaine, and rattlesnake venom. He injects it directly into his neck with a syringe.
     
  • In a tagteam match, Chuck Norris was teamed with Hulk Hogan against King Kong Bundy and Andre The Giant. He pinned all 3 at the same time.
     
  • Chuck Norris doesn’t see dead people. He makes people dead.
     
  • Chuck Norris is the only person who can simultaneously hold and fire FIVE Uzis: One in each hand, one in each foot — and the 5th one he roundhouse-kicks into the air, so that it sprays bullets.
     
  • For undercover police work, Chuck Norris pins his badge underneath his shirt, directly into his chest.
     
  • In the X-Men movies, none of the X-Men super-powers are done with special effects. Chuck Norris is the stuntman for every character.
     
  • We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.

 

 

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[…] And, my favorite: Guns don’t kill people. Chuck Norris kills People. Check out the full list! […]



All I’ve ever wanted to know about Chuck Norris, thank you.



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