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{October 19, 2009}   Lightbulb Jokes

Q: How many academics does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. That’s what research students are for.
A: Five: One to write the grant proposal, one to do the mathematical modelling, one to type the research paper, one to submit the paper for publishing, and one to hire a student to do the work.

Q: How many Accountants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: What sort of answer did you have in mind ?
A: None-just assume it’s changed.

Q: How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one. They don’t like to share the spotlight.
A: Two. One to stand on a chair and change it and one to say “I wish I was up there !”

Q: How many admin assistants does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. I can’t do anything unless you complete a lightbulb design change request form.

Q: How many aerobics instructors does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Five. Four to do it in perfect synchrony and one to stand there going “To the left, and to the left, and to the left, and to the left, and take it out, and put it down, and pick it up, and put it in, and to the right, and to the right, and to the right, and to the right…”

Q: How many aerospace engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist, you know.

Q: How many people at an American football match does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to change it and two to tip the entire contents of the ice bucket over the coach to congratulate him on a successful bulb screwing.

Q: How many American footballers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two – one to screw it in and the other to recover the fumble.

Q: How many amoebas does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: One. No, 2. No, 4. No, 8. No, 16. No, 32…….

Q: How many anglers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Five, and you should’ve seen the light bulb! It must have been *this* big! Five of us were barely enough!

Q: How many AOL users does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to screw in the lightbulb, and one to watch him to make sure he doesn’t say ‘nipple’.
A: Eight. One screws in the lightbulb, but seven more do too, due to a software bug.
A: Eleven. One to ask to be on the lightbulb gif mailing list, nine to say “ME TOO!”, and another to post a message asking for the intructions on how to view a lightbulb.

Q: How many A & R men does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. “We’re not changing any lightbulbs at the moment.”
A: None. “Well, I’m going to go out on a beam on this one, but I liked it better without the lightbulb.”

Q: How many archaeologists does does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to change it and two to argue about how old the old one is.

Q: How many armies does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: At least five. The Germans to start it, the French to give up really easily after only trying for a little while, the Italians to make a start, get nowhere, and then try again from the other side, the Americans to turn up late and finish it off and take all the credit, and the Swiss to pretend nothing out of the ordinary is happening.

Q: How many art directors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Does it have to be a lightbulb?

Q: How many visitors to an art gallery does it take to screw in a light bulb ?
A: Two, one to do it and one to say “Huh ! My four-year old could’ve done that!”

Q: How many atheists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. They’re never in the dark.
A: None. Atheists question whether it’s really light anyway.
A: None. Atheists never “see the light” anyway do they ?

Q: How many auto mechanics does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Six – One to force it with a hammer and five to go out for more bulbs.
A: Two, one to screw in all the bulbs he has until he finds one that fits, and the other to tell you he thinks he’ll have to replace the whole socket.

Q: How many baby sitters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, They don’t make Pampers small enough.

Q: How many bankers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four – One to hold the bulb and three to try to remember the combination. (left a bit, right a bit, left a bit…)

Q: How many bassists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five-one to do it and four to beat back all the guitarists who are trying to elbow him out of the spotlight.
A: None. The keyboardist does it with his left hand.
A: It doesn’t matter. Nobody will notice anyway.
A: Just one, but the guitarist has to show him first

Q: How many bikers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It takes two. One to change the bulb, and the other to kick the switch.

Q: How many blues musicians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to go to Chicago because there might be a lightbulb there and the other to play harp.
A: Five. One to screw in the lightbulb, and four to play sad, blue songs about the old, wornout lightbulb.

Q: How many board meetings does it take to get a light bulb changed?
A: This topic was resumed from last week’s discussion, but is incomplete pending resolution of some action items. It will be continued next week. Meanwhile…

Q: How many boarding school students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they have their parents do it for them.

Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to assure everyone that everything possible is being done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet.
A: Five – one to change the light bulb and the other four to fill out the Environmental Impact Statement.
A: One to spot the burned-out bulb, his supervisor to authorize a requisition, a requisition typist, twelve clerks to file the requisition copies, a mail clerk to deliver the requisition to the purchasing department, a purchasing agent to order the bulb, a clerk to forward the purchasing order, a clerk to mail-order a receiving clerk to receive the bulb….
A: Seven– one to supervise, one to arrange for the electricity to be shut off, one to make sure that safety and quality standards are maintained, one to monitor compliance with local, state, and federal regulations, one to manage personnel relations, one to fill out the paperwork and one to screw the light bulb into the water faucet.
A: Two – one to screw it in and one to screw it up. A: Just one. But she gets promoted three times before she finally finishes screwing it up.
A: None, we contract out for things like that.

Q: How many people in a Burger King advert does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. “I can’t change my lightbulb. But I can change my burger to a Burger King burger.”

Q: How many cafeteria staff does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Sorry, we closed 18 seconds ago, and I’ve just cashed up.

Q: How many Censors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One to —- ——- —– and another to —- —– —- while —- —- – – —–with a ——

Q: How many chess computers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Four. One to remove the lightbulb by capturing it en passant, one to put the new one in by taking back the move whereby the old one was unscrewed, one to go snatching some pawns while all this action takes place on the other side of the board, and one to flash its lights, make lots of noise, and announce out of the blue that it has found a forced mate in seven.

Q: How many chess grandmasters does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: 21. One to have the idea, and a whole load more to do all the analysis.

Q: How many circus performers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Four: One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go!
A: Four. One to change the bulb and three to sing, Ta da!

Q: How many civil servants does it take to change the light bulb?
A: 45. One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork.

Q: How many city planners does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Six – four to write an extensive study recommending a three-way 100/200/250 watt light bulb, one to write an article in the newspaper praising the study, and one to put in a 10 watt blub instead.

Q: How many classical music singers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None – “Impossible. The altitude may put unnecessary strain on my vocal chords. Have the bassist do it.”

Q: How many college students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: I dunno, I forgot my calculator at home.

Q: How many Communists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two – one to screw it in, and a second to hand out leaflets.
A: One, but it takes him about 30 years to realize that the old one has burnt out.

Q: How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One; after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the previous bulb.

Q: How many Conservative economists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. The invisible hand does it.
A: None. “There is no need to change the lightbulb. All the conditions for illumination are in place. Recent surveys show growing confidence in the lightbulb lighting up again.”
A: None, because, look! It’s getting brighter! It’s definitely getting brighter !!!

Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We don’t know. They never get past the feasibility study.
A: I’ll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.

Q: How many copyeditors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: The last time this question was asked, it involved art directors. Is the difference intentional? Should one or the other instance be changed? It seems inconsistent.

Q: How many country & western singers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Four. One to change it, one to sing about how heartbroken he is at the loss of the old one, one to sing about how madly in love she is with the new one, and one to go “Yeeeee-Hah !” and throw his hat in the air.

Q: How many cover artists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Why is there…an eggbeater, I think?…sticking out of this light fixture?

Q: How many cover blurb writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: A VAST AND TEEMING HORDE STRETCHING FROM SEA TO SHINING SEA!!!!

Q: How many cryonicists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four – One to ensure that the light bulb is certifiably dead, one to perfuse it with cryoprotectants, one to slowly cool it to liquid nitrogen temperature, and one to wait two hundred years for technology to advance sufficiently to revive it.

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