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{October 19, 2009}   Chuck Norris Facts V

  • Chuck Norris’s version of a “chocolate milkshake” is a raw porterhouse wrapped around ten Hershey bars, and doused in diesel fuel.
     
  • If Chuck Norris round-house kicks you, you will die. If Chuck Norris’ misses you with the round-house kick, the wind behind the kick will tear out your pancreas.
     
  • In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Chuck Norris.
     
  • Chuck Norris puts his pants on one leg at a time, just like the rest of us. The only difference is, then he kills people.
     
  • Everybody loves Raymond. Except Chuck Norris.
     
  • Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn’t hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into Chuck Norris while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.
     
  • Chuck Norris got his drivers license at the age of 16. Seconds.
     
  • The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.
     
  • Chuck Norris can win at solitaire with only 18 cards.
     
  • Chuck Norris once shat blood – the blood of 11,940 natives he had killed and eaten.
     
  • Maslow’s theory of higher needs does not apply to Chuck Norris. He only has two needs: killing people and finding people to kill.
     
  • The truth will set you free. Unless Chuck Norris has you, in which case, forget it buddy!
     
  • For most people, home is where the heart is. For Chuck Norris, home is where he stores his collection of human skulls.
     
  • Kryptonite has been found to contain trace elements of Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks to the face. This is why it is so deadly to Superman.
     
  • Saddam Hussein was not found hiding in a “hole.” Saddam was roundhouse-kicked in the head by Chuck Norris in Kansas, which sent him through the earth, stopping just short of the surface of Iraq.
     
  • Coroners refer to dead people as “ABC’s”. Already Been Chucked.
     
  • Chuck Norris doesn’t look both ways before he crosses the street… he just roundhouses any cars that get too close.
     
  • Chuck Norris does not have to answer the phone. His beard picks up the incoming electrical impulses and translates them into audible sound.
     
  • How many roundhouse kicks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop? Just one. From Chuck Norris.
     
  • Chuck Norris doesnt wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.
     
  • The phrase ‘break a leg’ was originally coined by Chuck Norris’s co-stars in Walker, Texas Ranger as a good luck charm, indicating that a broken leg might be the worst extent of their injuries. This never proved to be the case.
     
  • When chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.
     
  • If you rearrange the letters in “Chuck Norris”, they also spell “Crush Rock In”. The words “with his fists” are understood.
     
  • Never look a gift Chuck Norris in the mouth, because he will bite your damn eyes off.
     
  • Give a man a fish, and you will feed him for a day. Give a man anything that is better than a fish, and Chuck Norris will beat his ass and take it.
     
  • Chuck Norris used to play baseball. When Babe Ruth was hailed as the better player, Chuck Norris killed him with a baseball bat to the throat. Lou Gehrig got off easy.
     
  • The original title for Star Wars was “Skywalker: Texas Ranger”. Starring Chuck Norris.
     
  • Guantuanamo Bay, Cuba, is the military code-word for “Chuck Norris’ basement”.
     
  • The phrase ‘balls to the wall’ was originally conceived to describe Chuck Norris entering any building smaller than an aircraft hangar.
     
  • Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.
     
  • Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off of bats. Chuck Norris bites the heads off of Siberian Tigers.
     
  • He who lives by the sword, dies by the sword. He who lives by Chuck Norris, dies by the roundhouse kick.
     
  • The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry. Even the worst-laid plans of Chuck Norris come off without a hitch.
     
  • The phrase ‘dead ringer’ refers to someone who sits behind Chuck Norris in a movie theater and forgets to turn their cell phone off.
     
  • Chuck Norris’ Roundhouse kick is so powerful, that on the set of Sidekicks he single-footedly destroyed Jonathan Brandis’ Career.
     
  • Staring at Chuck Norris for extended periods of time without proper eye protection will cause blindess, and possibly foot sized brusies on the face.
     
  • Chuck Norris can taste lies.
     
  • Chuck Norris does not kick ass and take names. In fact, Chuck Norris kicks ass and assigns the corpse a number. It is currently recorded to be in the billions.
     
  • One time, Chuck Norris accidentally stubbed his toe. It destroyed the entire state of Ohio.
     
  • Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her into a glacier.
     
  • In 1990, Chuck Norris founded the non-profit organization “Kick Drugs Out of America”. If the organization’s name were “Roundhouse Kick Drugs out of America”, there wouldn’t be any drugs in the Western Hemisphere. Anywhere.
     
  • Chuck Norris can blow bubbles with beef jerky.
     
  • They had to edit the first ending of ‘Lone Wolf McQuade’ after Chuck Norris kicked David Carradine’s ass, then proceeded to barbecue and eat him.
     
  • Chuck Norris does, in fact, live in a round house.
     
  • Chuck Norris was once on Jeopardy. This show is notable in that it was the first occasion in Jeopardy history that Alex Trebek had appeared without a mustache. And a head.
     
  • 4 out of 5 doctors fail to recommend Chuck Norris as a solution to most problems. Also, 80% of doctors die unexplained, needlessly brutal deaths.
     
  • Chuck Norris can skeletize a cow in two minutes.
     
  • The only sure things are Death and Taxes…and when Chuck Norris goes to work for the IRS, they’ll be the same thing.
     
  • Chuck Norris’ first job was as a paperboy. There were no survivors.
     
  • With the rising cost of gasoline, Chuck Norris is beginning to worry about his drinking habit.
     
  • The square root of Chuck Norris is pain. Do not try to square Chuck Norris, the result is death.
     
  • chuck Norris’ testicles do not produce sperm. They produce tiny white ninjas that recognize only one mission: seek and destroy.
     
  • To be or not to be? That is the question. The answer? Chuck Norris.
     
  • Chuck Norris has never been in a fight, ever. Do you call one roundhouse kick to the face a fight?
     
  • There are two types of people in the world… people that suck, and Chuck Norris.
     
  • Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.
     
  • If you were somehow able to land a punch on Chuck Norris your entire arm would shatter upon impact. This is only in theory, since, come on, who in their right mind would try this?
     
  • 70% of a human’s weight is water. 70% of Chuck Norris’ weight is his dick.
     
  • Jean-Claude Van Damme once kicked Chuck Norris’ ass. He was then awakened from his dream by a roundhouse kick to the face.
     
  • The pie scene in “American Pie” is based on a dare Chuck Norris took when he was younger. However, in Chuck Norris’ case, the “pie” was the molten crater of an active volcano.
     
  • Chuck Norris uses 8’x10′ sheets of plywood as toilet paper.
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